After ten years of being in a relationship with someone with addiction problems, I can now call myself an expert by experience. At a young age, I fell in love with a boy who was starting to develop addiction problems, not knowing that this would play a major role in our relationship. Years of treatment at various care institutions, a rehab clinic in Africa, countless NA meetings and relapses later, I wonder: where do I fit into the story?
In every care situation, the focus was on his use, his triggers, his recovery and my role in identifying his behaviour. But those closest to him also suffer the consequences of addiction. Living with lies for years takes its toll, even if you understand how the problem works. While you try to be supportive, a constant alertness and fear of relapse grows. Out of love, you don’t want to burden the other person, so you increasingly put yourself last. When that constant alertness began to completely exhaust me and I no longer recognised myself, I realised: this is not normal. And that was true.
Research shows that women with partners who are addicted to substances are more likely to experience burnout symptoms within their relationship. They carry a significantly heavier emotional burden than women whose partners do not have addiction problems. The constant stress, fatigue, disappointment and dealing with lies and mistrust can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion. You want your partner to be well, so you continue to hope and care. But in the meantime, you feel powerless and sometimes wonder if you are being lied to again. That constant tension between hope, fear and doubt consumes energy. Before you know it, your whole life revolves around maintaining their recovery, while you yourself slowly become exhausted.
Research clearly shows that extra support for partners in addiction care is needed, something I have often missed in my own experience over the past ten years. I want all partners to know that they are not alone and that it is important to take good care of themselves. Keep expressing yourself, talk to others and share your story. This way, you show that your experience is also valid. Let’s work together to ensure that the partners of people with addiction are not forgotten.
The author of this blog has chosen to publish this post anonymously. The name is known to the RAD blog editors.
References
Haghparast Z, Riazi H, Shams J, Montazeri A. Couple Burnout and Partner’s Substance-Dependency: Is there any Association? Health Services Research and Managerial Epidemiology. 2023;10. doi:10.1177/23333928221144445
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